bringonthetragedy: An Open Letter To The...

Jan. 4, 2010 at 8:07pm with 45 notes

Reblogged from bringonthetragedy

bringonthetragedy:

An Open Letter To The Citizens of the Future Regarding The MTV Reality Show “Jersey Shore”: From Your First President, George Washington.
Dear citizens of these United States,
I have been visited by a strange metallic-armed nomad time-traveler who told me his name was Lee. He refused to explain further, but handed me a time capsule from your future world. He foretold of dark times ahead and I beseeched him, “Good sir, stay a while. I will write you some letters. Please pass them on to your futurepeople.”
And so begins my first letter to you, the future generations of the year 2010.
It took me several weeks, but I have digested all the documents and materials presented to me by this strange man, and I must say that I am quite disturbed.
First, I would like to speak with you regarding the shores of the great state of New Jersey… I am not sure if you remember this, but I spent my Christmas of 1776 crossing the FUCKING DELAWARE RIVER in order to SAVE New Jersey from General Cornwallis. What did YOU do over Christmas? I suppose you got an Iphone Threegee. I’m not even sure what that is, but I hear it’s all the rage. I’m not even sure how to pronounce it.
Regardless, in the dead of the night, we crossed the river and surprised the enemy, capturing over 1,000 Hessian troops. This was back when Hessians were more than just “long-haired heavy metal dudes”. It was the turning point of our revolution.
That night and in the days ahead, I lost countless men, bleeding and dying, but we won. Goddamnit, we won. We bought and paid for your freedom with our blood.
And now, looking into this future device, I see that the beloved state has become home to muscle-bound merrymakers and buffoons prancing around a boardwalk and engaging in fisticuffs! If I’d known this was going to happen, I’d have gladly handed the state over to the British.
You see, back in my day, house music was not the abomination I heard, but an actual string quartet… playing in your house. You did not gyrate wildly upon listening, nor did you do backflips with no undergarments! A young lady who acted in such a way would be thrown in jail!
However, in your defense, I must say that the young lady known as J-WOWW is quite a delight and I have not seen a woman quite like that here in my time. I have taken quite a liking to her and her unusual garments.
So I suppose at least one thing bodes well for the future.
Until my next letter, citizens of the future, I beseech you to declare war on New Jersey and save it before it is too late. I fear there may be worse fates than losing her to Britain.
Very truly yours,

George Washington
President, United States of America

amen.

An Open Letter To The Citizens of the Future Regarding The MTV Reality Show “Jersey Shore”: From Your First President, George Washington.

Dear citizens of these United States,

I have been visited by a strange metallic-armed nomad time-traveler who told me his name was Lee. He refused to explain further, but handed me a time capsule from your future world. He foretold of dark times ahead and I beseeched him, “Good sir, stay a while. I will write you some letters. Please pass them on to your futurepeople.”

And so begins my first letter to you, the future generations of the year 2010.

It took me several weeks, but I have digested all the documents and materials presented to me by this strange man, and I must say that I am quite disturbed.

First, I would like to speak with you regarding the shores of the great state of New Jersey… I am not sure if you remember this, but I spent my Christmas of 1776 crossing the FUCKING DELAWARE RIVER in order to SAVE New Jersey from General Cornwallis. What did YOU do over Christmas? I suppose you got an Iphone Threegee. I’m not even sure what that is, but I hear it’s all the rage. I’m not even sure how to pronounce it.

Regardless, in the dead of the night, we crossed the river and surprised the enemy, capturing over 1,000 Hessian troops. This was back when Hessians were more than just “long-haired heavy metal dudes”. It was the turning point of our revolution.

That night and in the days ahead, I lost countless men, bleeding and dying, but we won. Goddamnit, we won. We bought and paid for your freedom with our blood.

And now, looking into this future device, I see that the beloved state has become home to muscle-bound merrymakers and buffoons prancing around a boardwalk and engaging in fisticuffs! If I’d known this was going to happen, I’d have gladly handed the state over to the British.

You see, back in my day, house music was not the abomination I heard, but an actual string quartet… playing in your house. You did not gyrate wildly upon listening, nor did you do backflips with no undergarments! A young lady who acted in such a way would be thrown in jail!

However, in your defense, I must say that the young lady known as J-WOWW is quite a delight and I have not seen a woman quite like that here in my time. I have taken quite a liking to her and her unusual garments.

So I suppose at least one thing bodes well for the future.

Until my next letter, citizens of the future, I beseech you to declare war on New Jersey and save it before it is too late. I fear there may be worse fates than losing her to Britain.

Very truly yours,

George Washington

President, United States of America